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Tuesday, 04 November 2008
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it's hard growing up. it's hard moving on. it's hard to forget. it's hard to forgive. everything in life is hard to do. i guess because of that people are so indecisive. people may feel one way but act another or say something and mean to say something far from it. but that in itself is so hard. living like that or being that way is hard. if you're going to cry, cry until there are no more tears. if you're going to laugh, laugh until you pee in your pants. if you're going to love, love like today was the last day you possibly could. and if you're going to hate, then hate without ever looking back. there should never be someone beside you telling you what to feel or what to say because chances are they're dead wrong. and you're stuck in the middle believing in something, wanting something, but never getting that something. i admit that i have changed. all the worried looks and voices that i get nowadays are legit in some ways and in other ways they're not. because at the end of the day the choices that i make now are because i wanted to make them. even if they are dark, wrong, weird choices, they are all my own. i'm just tired of living my life according to a checklist of who i used to be. if people were to make a list of the characteristics i had 2 years ago or maybe even 2 months ago i bet there would be little to no checkmarks beside them now. my life isn't an "inventory" check. people do change. not because of the circumstances that they find themselves in but because they chose to change, whether good or bad, it was all based on choice. it depresses me that my choices haven't really gotten great approval but in the end i'm glad. because by changing i've met other people along the way. other people who think the same way i do, have experienced the same things i've gone through, and who see the importance of themselves above all others. it's a selfish statement but at our age we're mostly only living for ourselves until you've committed to a special person. then i guess you think on behalf of two. but other then that we live for ourselves. people think otherwise that they live for God or whatnot but, i really do think humans just live for themselves. they just claim to live for something other then that. i don't know where this random rambling is coming from. it's been a while since i've done this but i think it's been long overdue.
no one is ever one thing. i do believe that in every "bad" person there is something in them that is in a slight way redeemable. it's hard to live and feel in alliance with that belief but it's what i think.
i think it's really time to just let it go. after you've hurt someone, we all feel bad. we all feel sad. but what else is there left to do but that? nothing. you can try to patch things up and sew up rips and holes but sometimes that just doesn't work. when the pain is that great and the feelings attached are deep and pure, nothing is ever forgotten or forgiven. so i guess when you wish to repair the damage you've done to someone else you can almost guarantee yourself that in order to achieve that satisfying moment when everything is okay and good, you'd realize that it had taken what seems to be your whole life to receive one word or one smile. it's a hard thing.
love is never forgotten and is never hard. if it is hard to love someone then that isn't love. once you've fallen in love it's similar to a life long stay in someone's heart. and once you've fallen out of love, your life long stay isn't cut short. it stays, not in the form of love but in a form of a memory. a memory of how things were, a reminder of how things will never be that way again, and a way to smile and genuinely say that i've done the greatest thing anyone could ever do. and it's confusing why people choose to love when there is always that probability that we could get severely injured in the long run. but why not? why not take that risk. it's better then never knowing. it's better to feel pain of losing something you wanted then never feeling that pain and never experiencing the feelings you got when everything was smooth. it's ironic. the pain of love is what drives us to love even more. because what other emotion can hurt us so bad yet reward us in the blink of an eye? not many. but this is all in hopes that the pain is just a momentary thing, and that the love once shared is never a momentary thing. and who knows. losing one leads to finding another. not a replacement or a substitute or a comparison but an entirely separate part. something that stands out all on its own. i guess, again, that that's why we deal with the heartache. because at the end of it all we still hope that we'll find someone to share a brand new type of love. something that hopefully is never broken and never does have an end...
so growing up, moving on, forgiving and forgetting, they're all tough. so what? if we didn't have the tough things in life, what would we live for? to walk aimlessly in a blinding happiness? no, i'd rather live a tough life, then live a life only shown the good things. because we all know, life is not all that good and not all that bad...
